Fear of Unbelief

I fear that none believe in me, and doubt when it is said.
It matters naught how oft' succeed for praise is quickly shed.
And oh, for one who could dispel the terror of my being:
That everything I've said and done is not what I've been seeing.
For when I try to do the best, I'm not and never was.
My motives wrong, and thus am I even more because.
And in my sin I find myself and desires held at bay.
I know my sin, but not my God. What more is there to say?

Does God believe me as I have proved believe in Him?
Does He smile in delight at me this flame so dim?
And if the past shows future ways, I'll end as I began:
Chasing God and everything, but falling as I ran.
“Shortcoming” is my middle name, my last is “Failed Once More”,
Yet God tells me, “Keep knocking. Keep knocking on this door.”
I fear His unbelief the most, that He's given up on me.
I've had my chance to yet succeed, and been all I can be.

Does God believe I'll overcome? If so, then I sure will.
But if it's true as I have feared: He didn't, doesn't still.
It's like He's waiting to concluded, still making up His mind.
And so I chase perfection vague, but know I'll never find.
If it's up to me at all, then God, just take me now.
But if by grace or greater means change me, I know not how.
If You will, or do, or can, in tears I will go on.
I'm happy in this Kingdom game to play for now a pawn.

I fear You don't believe in me. I fear You wished You cared.
And thus my fears have frozen me, and I of You am scared.
Your grace has no prerequisite, Your love abounds in joy,
But what if You were yet to quit and give up on this boy?
You won't, You've said, but nonetheless if hope is but in You,
Then I am far too far away to know what I'm to do.
So God, it's me. I'm here again with eyes so full of fear.
Wrap me in Your arms of love, and let me know You're near.